I haven't really felt much of anything for a few years. I'm not sure if it was a conscious decision to not feel anything, or just a gradual numbing of all feeling. Lately though, I feel again. More than I have in years, and I love it, and I'm scared of it. I've grown a lot in the last few years as well. I know who I am, I know what I do and don't believe. I know what I want to do. I have a house, I'm happy with myself and my life and I love my kids (even when they drive me crazy). I just didn't expect to feel like this again.
I do have a few things to update on. Tim started 3rd grade and Alex started 1st grade this last monday. They both did great for their first week, and unlike his last school, Tim is actually doing well is his actual classroom. Bella (my oriental sh) is being very affectionate lately, which is nice. She's a bit mad at me right now though, since we have a new kitten this week too, a smoke egyptian mau that I'm naming Luna Stellare (Moonlight starlight) She's very cute and tiny! Alex has been varying between being very sweet and being a little hellion. She's constantly saying that she hates me and that I'm ruining her life and that her life is terrible and awful. She yells alot and pouts and crys, and then 15 min later is happy and giving me hugs and kisses again. She's driving me nuts. I mean, she's only 6 for heavens sake, and already acting like this?
Things are going wonderfully with Phillip :). I feel so much around him, he loves the same things that I do, and he's been great with the kids and me and everything. He's a great guy and I really really really like him. I am afraid of getting hurt again, but Im less and less afraid of it the more time I spend around him. He's kind and funny and thoughtful. Its been a marvelous surprise. I hope things continue to go well! I do care for him more than I should already.
I graduated with my associates in June, and I go back to school in September for my last few semesters before my bachelors. Im trying to get done without burning myself out.
Anyway...I feel great :)
I would like to mention that I love fishing. I really do - I enjoy sitting in a boat or on the shore, just fishing for hours and trying to get something to take a nibble.
Ely and Brian (have I mentioned them before?) who Ive known now for a few months, also say they like to fish. Ely is very awesome by the way, and has really become one of my best friends. Brian is also very cool, and his sense of humor is hilarious if subtle and dry. Their son Tom is also super cute. I hang out with them a lot, and they helped me a ton getting my house put together and getting through the recent divorce.
Ely eats lunch with me alot up a the club, and somewhat introduced me to Phil, who according to Ely has wanted to meet me for a while. He's a blast to hang out with. We went out about a month ago for the first time, to dinner and the demolition derby. It rained ;D. Since then we've done a lot of stuff - including fishing! I went shooting for the first time since I was about 10 with him, and I didnt know I would like to shoot so much :) He also loves to fish, and we spent the last weekend down at lake Powell with his friend Jimmy dieing from the heat, playing in the water, and fishing :). I caught a bunch of striper, and it was a blast! He gets back on saturday, and I'm looking forward to it. I cant remember when I've enjoyed spending time with anyone so much.
Well, once again its been a long while since Ive updated. Work continues back down the hill, and I'm trying to make the most of it. My divorce was final a short while ago - not something I feel like going into. This week I took the kids to Yellowstone! They loved it, and it has been a lot of fun. We went to see all the major geysers, and saw quite a bit of the rest of the park as well. I am glad the kids got to see the park just like I did when I was a kid. I also just bought a house in in Tooele! I'm going to start painting this week, and getting things fixed so I can move in. Its not a big house, but it will do for me and the kids. I choose to look at things as going well.
Its been a long long while since I updated anything here. Nate is in Texas with the Air force since April, he gets back next month. My car died and I had to get a new one. Alex started kindergarten today. I'm working at Tooele now instead of Dugway. I always seem to post in here when I'm down, and today fits the bill. I feel like I'm constantly striving to accomplish something. To be good enough for some unknowable standard and I just don't feel like I'm making it. Its as if Ive spent my whole life doing things so I could -live- someday, but I really don't think I'll ever get to that point. I know it really doesn't make sense, but its as close as I can get at the moment to how I feel. Sucks that I'm another year older. So where is my vampire to make me immortal, eh? ;) Anyway...kids are good. I'll live, and life goes on. Alex was super excited about school today, she said she really enjoyed it and she made some new friends. Tim is as obsessed with games as always, and really would prefer to skip school if he could. I could say more about the missed details, but things don't really seem to change much for me. On with the tedium.
Well, here I am again. There have been many moments when I have thought of posting, even wanted to post, but my work browser usually foils my plans by blocking this site. I don't know that I can report that I am really doing any better then I have been. I am working - and work inst terrible, but its not great either. I am looking for a new job in hopes that I can live somewhere not so isolated. I have two cats now - the little black oriental short hair Belladonna and Ivy whom Ive mentioned before. I'm learning to play Bass guitar - why? Because I think its damn fun. School is as usual a source of stress for me. At the moment my College Algebra class is the worst of it. I took the first exam for the course earlier today, and I'll have to wait and see how it went. The kids are doing wonderfully. Tim is really expressing himself much better now, and Alex is cute as ever and knows it. I've found http://forum.newordermormon.org/index.php
fairly helpful in my recent musings on life... mostly its just nice to have people around I can express myself to and not be judged. And I really, really need a vacation. I'm tired, I'm stressed, winter is lasting forever, and I would very much like to just rest a while. Things with Nate are not very good. I can tell he is trying to do better with the kids from time to time, but it doesn't really seem to be making much headway. Things between the two of us alone have not changed much for the better either. Some days are better than others. He leaves for a few months soon, but at least he's working. Randomly, I need a new mattress, mine sucks. There is so much more I could say, but I think it would just turn into a rant or me feeling crappy, so I'm going to stop here. Until next time -
It really bothers me when voters don't bother to be informed. Especially when people I see on the news being interviewed /have no idea/ what they are talking about on the issues. Take the time to find out the facts for heavens sake! I'm glad that people are at least voting, but ugh, they are voting sheep. All in a big herd, baah, baaah, let me vote for whatever I'm told to on TV, because it must be true! *sighs*. Ok, done with rant 1.
I retired Xepher from Marrach. End of an age.
I really don't know. I'm down again, maybe it is something to do with the season, but between work and Nate and stupid people and feeling sick, I really am on edge. I just wish I could relax a while, and not have crappy things happen.
Sun, Oct. 21st, 2007, 10:30 pm
A series of odd dreams combined with listening to some of my old play lists has brought a lot of memories up to the surface. Both good times and bad, most having to do with being married and happy once. Things in reality haven't been improving much. Next month we should know when Nate will be out on his next deployment, and I should have my tickets to San Antonio in a few weeks, which will be good. Planning on driving out to my grandparents for thanksgiving. The kids are good...anyway :) life is life. Wish memories that were good stayed that way in real life.
Ive been sick the last few days. School is going badly, the kids and Nate aren't getting along still. One good note was I was able to track down my friend JD from high school. He's married, and is doing well. I also got to play hide and seek with the kids today, which was fun. They're both so cute and creative. I'm really lucky to have kids that are so sweet. Things aren't going so well with Nate, as if that is any surprise lately. This morning Nate and I worked out some goals, things we'd like to accomplish before our next anniversary. Unfortunately by this evening it seems a near impossibility that they will be accomplished. Tim was being Tim, upset that he had to go brush his teeth and get ready for bed. He called Nate a meanie and said he didn't like him, and Nate got mad and stormed out, saying that "fine, I'll just leave then." in typical form. I feel...numb, still. Its like it doesn't matter what I say, nothing changes. It doesn't matter what I do, nothing helps. Every time I think that progress is being made, it gets crushed, and I'm back where I started. I spent the time after trying to comfort Alex and convince her that it wasn't her fault, and that Nate just got mad sometimes, and that he would come back. She insisted on writing him a letter that she loved him. A picture of her and of him and a heart, and asked me the letters for "I love you" so she could write it down. She put it in an envelope for him even. I just...wish there was a point. He wouldn't even look at it when he got home. I am so frustrated, and I feel so alone in this. I know I have my ups and downs, but hell, at least I'm trying my best here. I don't know. Maybe he is too, but he should at least show a little good sense not to scare kids like that. And know how to play nice, he is older then them for heavens sake. Earlier today I was hopeful. Now...now I don't know, but I feel even crappier then my cold accounts for. Tim came out and said he was sorry, and Nate refused to say anything to him. Just told him to go back to bed. I went in and gave him a hug, told him Nate was just grumpy right now. Hopefully I'm right.
Did I mention she is crazy? If not, I believe I should do so. She runs all over the house, she's great. Her name is quite a mouthful though Mauraj Liddle Lamsy Divy of SilvrBrch. Go me. We just call her Ivy. business is going well, more clients then ever. Work is well, work. Got a promotion because I'm awesome and everyone loves me, well, at least at work. School is still going well, I'm still a straight A student, and Im officially transferred to the last university I need to go to for my program. Hopefully things continue to go well there. I'm hoping to graduate top 5% of my class. My kids are still great. Tim starts 1st grade next week, and I hope he does well. I really think we need to move somewhere with a better school system. Alex is super cute, and very upset that her friends are starting kindergarten when she has to wait until next year. Im sure she'll catch up later if she wants to. Nate is still himself. Things aren't really any better or any worse. He's still out of work, but he did just transfer to Air force Reserves so thats something I suppose. My birthday was on Thursday. Steve remembered, which was nice, and I got a neat e-card from Jill, which was hilarious. I spent the weekend camping and fishing, which was pretty fun. Didn't catch anything decent, but I enjoyed it regardless. Tyler said he and Sara might come visit, which would be wonderful. Id love to see him again, and it'd be nice to meet her as well. Anyway...yeah. See ya.
Wed, Jun. 20th, 2007, 11:38 pm
wow, been a while since I updated. It always seems I update in moments of retrospection or actual feeling. Its like I bottle everything up so much that it just explodes all over in a mess of sticky emotional goo, and then I feel like I have to tell everyone about how sticky and gooey it is.
fun for you ^^
No really, today I'm not going to be all awful and make people listen to my life. Things are bad and good, my kids are still cute, Dugway is driving me crazy and that just about suffices. I feel full to bursting at times, not of food, but just...of...everything. I used to draw, or sing, or play guitar... or even just go out for a walk and enjoy the day. Now I just..work more, study more, ignore more. Hopefully I'll find the time again to do the things I love as well as the things I must.
Enough I know. Off to bed for me. And if anyone actually reads this, snuggles to you all.